Jacob & Sooho

To Jacob Carter,

It just takes one. One intentional act to blossom a beautiful relationship. A friendship filled with hilarious antics, warm embraces, and meaningful conversations. Jacob, you are that one—you always took that first step to grace people with your smile, wit, and creativity—and we mourn the loss of such bright presence.

We both worked at Sam’s (college campus coffee shop) but never together. You’ve heard of me, but I thought you were just one of many. After one random shift together, you came up to me and asked to grab brunch. I asked you what's that. You told me it’s “yummy,” which then became one of my favorite words to describe food. 

Our beginning.

At Egglectic, you suggested eggs benedict. It became and still is my go-to brunch meal. I don’t remember a lot of the details we talked about, but it was a significant amount of time. The waiter refreshed our coffees twice. Even though it was our first sit-down conversation, I think I told you about my mom—her cancer—and how my family have barely been staying afloat. You had the most gentle eyes, eyes that could swallow my weary, tired attempts to stay positive. I felt seen. Thank you for brunch, eggs benedict, and seeing me.

But you were a busy-bee and wildly popular. So, when I floated the idea to drive to Niagara Falls during winter break, I really didn’t expect you to say yes. (But also secretly hoping you would because you had the Prius.) The four of us never hung out before. It was so poorly planned and dead middle of winter. Only our young 20-year-old brains convinced (tricked?) us that this trip was a brilliant idea. 

Left to Right: Jacob Carter, Justin Lovett, and Kevin Kim. I'm the on in the front.

12 hour drive from Chicago into Canada and then to Niagara Falls. But it took us 15+ hours. We took the first driving shift: you drove and I kept you company. We talked and talked and talked. Didn’t even noticed that we were going the wrong way for 3 hours. When we stopped by for gas, Justin came back and laughed: “Why are we in Grand Rapids?” You were so apologetic when you didn’t need to be. 

Niagara Falls was pretty, right? But we got done with it after 20 minutes. After a brief stop at Toronto, we stocked up on IPAs (what we called “Russian shit” then because we didn’t know better) and drank through them while playing King’s Cup. First time I got drunk with friends was with you. 

We (almost) got into some mess. We drank way too many Jack and Cokes, tried to sneak into a club, got into a smaller one, dodged a fight with a drunkard, and crawled our way back to our 2.5-star motel. Best moment: you stopped me from drunk-praying for a homeless handicap. Thank you for saying yes, drinking with us, and possibly preventing one of us getting into a fight or jail.

That trip was a threshold moment for us. You pretty became the fifth roommate. Half the time you were drinking or already drunk at my place. Sometimes after night class, I would walk in with you on the bathroom floor saying sorry while Justin was in the tub, hoping the warm water would wash away the alcohol-infused bloodstream. I died. That picture will forever be seared into my memories, tilted “My two favorite white drunks.” 

The other half the time we were making silly videos (shout out #crescent5b on insta) or splattering ourselves with paint and taking studio photos. You were always so fun, so down for anything, so creative. These are just some of the reasons why people were drawn to you. The ways you find to fill time together, they always seem to fly by. It was always good times with you. Thank you for the way you spend time with me and countless others.

On one of our adventures into Chicago, we talked about Saint Athanasius’s On the Incarnation. You were so fixated on the idea that Jesus saves because he became part of creation. That it is in being with us; eating, laughing and crying with us that creation (not just humans) becomes redeemed, better, and more loving. I think the reason why you loved this idea so much was because you realized that the way you’ve tried to live—intentional, communal, creative—was validated by a saint. It was as if all the struggles you've had to love others were seen and wholeheartedly approved. You are so loved, Jacob. Thank you for being so loving and so loved by others. 

This was, unsurprisingly, Jacob's idea: "Let's put this couch on top of the dumpster!"

We lost a lot of touch after graduation. You spent a year in the Middle East with Justin Lovett. I could’ve joined but decided against for personal reasons. I regret that time to time. It looks like you guys had fun. 

I had to move on and continue my education back in California. I also wanted to be near my mom during her last years. You moved to Seattle. We would comment on each other’s stories or posts. But never a phone call or FaceTime. I regret that too. I wish I reached out more. It’s amazing how such a precious friendship can quickly fade to the background—still there but just not as immediate or relevant.

Always supportive.

Before I decided to move to Korea, I flew out to Seattle. I was seeing a different friend, but you made time for me. I told you about my experience of getting high for the first and how paranoid I felt. You laughed but didn’t judge. You finally told me you were gay. I wish, Jacob, that after all the years you poured into me I reflected that same warm and gentle eyes at that moment. I was so happy you told me. I was so proud of who you were and were becoming. I loved you so much at that moment. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life. Thank you for being part of mine.

In the end, life seems to be about letting go. Nothing is permanent. We have to acknowledge that doors will close and that some have already been shut. And as hard as it is, letting go is not the hardest. The hardest is not saying good-bye. 

I’m so sad that I’ll never see you again. I’ll miss you. I’ll always love and cherish you.